Angry Czeck 2.0

The Angry Czeck’s brief-but-penetrating observations on social media have already taken up too much cyberspace. But I’ve been challenged, and while the Angry Czeck’s official policy is to ignore challenge, I have decided to give this challenge an old community-college try.

A loyal reader of The Angry Czeck has challenged me to come up with one compelling reason to open a Facebook account. “Just give me one compelling reason, Czeck,” he commanded. “Just one.” Because one man’s “compelling” is another man’s episode of According to Jim, I shall hedge my bets and offer Ten Penetrating Reasons. Here they are in no particular order.

1. Communicate with people you hate to talk to. This is a far more valuable ability than it seems to imply. Facebook is perfect if you can only stand certain people (or people in general) in small doses. With Facebook, you’re in control of the friendship – whether you want to Face Chat, send a message, post on their wall, or occasionally monitor a profile page for signs of treachery.

2. Communicate with people you actually like. Email is nice, sure, but Facebook is far less cumbersome. Exchanging photos, websites, thoughts and opinions is a much easier process with Facebook, especially when communicating with several people.

3. Communicate with people you forgot existed. Distant cousins, high school hotties, former college roommates, and that guy who still owes you $5 is logged onto Facebook right now. Even the guy who owes you $5 would like to hear from you.

4. News travels fast on Facebook. Thanks to Facebook, I knew Michael Jackson was dead before CNN, FOX, and Jermaine. Facebook is also good for real news, too. I follow NPR, TIME, Newsweek, and The New York Times on Facebook. By arming you with a steady stream of knowledge, Facebook turns you into the last Highlander standing.

5. It’s something to do. Of course, Jessica Alba is also something to do, but Facebook is far more assessable to stocky white guys like me. And Facebook will never leave you for a handsome male dancer, because Facebook is always devoted to you and your happiness.

6. And everybody is doing it. Unlike Intellivision, laser disc movies, and the metric system, everyone is doing Facebook. In fact, Facebook just announced that it had collected its 250 millionth customer. Chances are, even your Mom is trolling through Facebook. Why be the only dork at the kid’s table?

7. This is how all people will communicate. Like it or not, social networking is the telegraph of the future. Listen, don’t be that old man who besmirched email for it’s lack of intimacy or dismissed the telephone as inferior to a personal visit. Just lay back, relax, and accept it.

8. This is the Internet as it was meant to be. Remember when the Internet was just a trash heap of university data dumps and pornography? We knew the Internet had potential, but it was hard to see the real value as early as 1993. With Facebook and Twitter, the Internet is closer to what we envisioned so many years ago. Through it, we share ideas and images effortlessly and freely. Without Facebook, you’re just not receiving all the Internet you’re entitled to.

9. Control your image. Are you a dork in real life? Good news! With some practice and a carefully selected photograph, you can be a witty cosmopolitan on Facebook. It’s like getting a mulligan on your life.

10. Force your weird will upon others. Are you a religious nut? Do you treat animals better than your children? Have you an unwavering passion for an American Idol? All these views and more can be easily expressed on Facebook. Better yet, Facebook enables you to find confederates to your strange causes. The three-dimensional world may shun you, but you always have an audience on Facebook.