Angry Czeck 2.0

I have to admit, the Angry Czeck feels a bit anchorless without former President George W. Bush to kick around. You could always count on George to make a ridiculous administrative appointment, or endorse a juicy anti-Constitutional piece of legislation, or remain frustratingly mute in the face of major crises.

George made anger easy.

More still, he made Republicans tantalizing can’t-miss targets for everyone with a soapbox or a high horse. It’s easy to denounce torture, war, and Harriet Miers. Even Jessica Alba can do it.

George made everyone feel good because we weren’t George.

And we weren’t his pals, either. We didn’t even have to follow their policies to confirm it. George’s cohorts seemed drawn like Dick Tracy characters – from the sneering visage of Dick Cheney, to the wrinkled mug of Donald Rumsfield, to the rosy-cheeked countenance of Karl Rove. Nobody could look like those guys! They were easy to point out and to mock.

And now they’re gone. Replaced by the bold and the beautiful. No hunchbacks. No facial tics. No ancient curmudgeons. Sure, Leon Panetta looks kinda goofy, but not enough to make us wonder how funny his skeleton must look like.

I miss you, George.

Maybe not in the way I miss Daisy Duke or the USFL, but there remains the longing that was left behind when you hopped aboard that big green helicopter. Now we turn to President Obama to hate.

Perhaps Obama won’t make it easy, like Saint Bill, with his fatal weakness for chubby interns. But soon we’ll see the devil in Biden, Hillary, and Rahm. We’ll openly wonder just what’s in those cigarettes Obama smokes. When four years pass, and the hole remains in the ozone layer, we’ll find our patsy sitting in the Oval Office.

But it won’t be fun.

Not like it was with George, with his failed mastery of English and his unfailing ability to over-smug a delicate situation. There will be no choking on pretzels with Obama. No oaths to quit golfing to break. No spotty military record for which to snicker. We’re stuck with Obama, who’s naivety appears to be his lone promising vein.

The Angry Czeck issues this great challenge to President Obama: Out-George George.

That’s right. Tap into your Inner W. It won’t be historically flattering, but you will earn the appreciation of airhead comedians, actors, and bloggers. The task seems difficult, but it can’t be, because George made it look so damn easy.

AC’s Brief but Penetrating Advice for Out-Georging George

For starters, give Rod Blagojevich a seat on the Supreme Court. Don’t let it discourage you that no seats are currently available. Declare that the nation is ready for a 10th seat. Call it The Seat of Hope.

Secondly, cut our losses with New Orleans. Simply close it down. (Or better yet, sell it back to France at a discount.) We’ll save a bunch of bucks and it’ll redistribute the Nation’s supply of strippers and brass instrument players to cities that are above sea level. And besides, Louisiana is fonder of the Napoleonic Code than the Constitution, anyway. Teach them a lesson.

Third, pre-empt the Super Bowl with a nationally broadcasted speech. People like hearing you talk. It doesn’t matter if there’s nothing new to report. Read us some short stories you wrote in college. Make it an annual event.

Fourth(ly), disguise AFT agents in firefighter outfits and have them confiscate handguns in the middle of the night. Explain to the American people that you’re Legalizing Love. To counter backlash in the Heartland, offer government subsidized karate lessons.

Next, create an All-New Axis Of Evil – Spain, England and France. Claim the new Axis is 40% more evil than the old one. Then invade England. When asked why, just give the reporter an icy stare, flick your cigarette to the ground and say “because.” Imply that France is next.

When asked about foreign aggressors, say, “If they pull a knife, I pull a gun. If they send one of us to the hospital, I send one of them to the morgue. That’s the Obama way.” Use a Scottish accent. Later, claim you’ve never seen The Untouchables.

I suspect that all this great advice is going to land me a sweet cabinet post. It helps that I’m good looking.



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