October 2009
3 posts
6 tags
You wish bigfoot and death panels were real
I hear things. Wacky, paranoid, hysterical, condescending, insulting things that used to be confined to the homeless guy who tried to shake me down for $4.25. What I hear most is, “We got to take back our country!”
This implies that, somehow, our way-of-life has been stolen from our grasps. We’ve been bamboozled! Hoodwinked! Flimflammed! And as usual, it’s not our fault!
Well, I have terrific news...
You have found the secret lair of the Angry Czeck
There are many doors to rage and rancor, and the Angry Czeck holds the keys to them all. Eventually, I will populate these pages with bonus anger and supplemental fury. Until then, czeck out angryczeck.com or facebook.com/theragepage.
September 2009
7 posts
3 tags
The Easiest Post Ever Written: Roman Polanski is...
“I don’t believe it was rape-rape. He went to jail and when they let him out he was like, ‘You know what, this [judge] is going to give me a hundred years in jail. I’m not staying’.” Whoopi Goldberg Idiot Roman Polanski Defender There is no defense for Roman Polanski. The guy is scum. I love his movies. The guy is scum. Chinatown is a masterpiece. The guy is scum. I even enjoyed The Ninth...
4 tags
Arkansas State Red Wolves Lose to Ruby Tuesdays
Not long ago, the Arkansas State Red Wolves were the Arkansas State Indians. In those days, the ASU mascot was Running Joe – a caricature that loosely approximated the resemblance of a human being. He was obviously a first-cousin to the Cleveland Indian. For example, Joe’s nose was larger than his feet. His teeth rivaled the size of Jimmy Carter’s teeth. Earlier incarnations of...
2 tags
100 Bursts of Anger
Recently, I hacked my 1000th tweet on Twitter. If you figure that each tweet takes about 10 seconds to compose, that’s more than two solid hours of tweeting.
Despite all my intimate research, the Angry Czeck has yet to understand Twitter’s value – if it has any value at all. If you like to receive news the instant it happens, then you might like Twitter. If you want to read Kid...
4 tags
The Presidency™ is a bruised brand
United States President™ brand has lost too much value.
A couple years ago, a colleague of mine admitted to loving the President of the United States.
“I just love him,” she said, in all sincerity, regarding President George W. Bush. “I think he’s terrific.”
I didn’t think Mr. Bush was very terrific, but I didn’t have the energy to straighten her out. Who has the energy to take...
Angry Czeck decodes Obama's sinister school...
President Barack Obama is to address the Nation’s school children on Wednesday, and predictably the Conservative right went absolutely nuts. The President wants to welcome the kids back to school! Jesus, no! Completely paranoid and blinded by their own pettiness, it amazes me how these supposedly patriotic people show so much disrespect for the President of the United States. Since when is...
Holy Smokes, I'm Having a Mid-Life Crises
It all started when I was born. Instead of being content with my newness, my body insisted upon obtaining life experience. Bones started growing. My big brain developed. My awesome cells multiplied. Once you start, there’s no stopping the engine. You just have to sit there and wait for the caboose. Lately, I’ve begun startling Mrs. Angry with surprising revelations: I want a motorcycle. Or...
Oh, Sure. You Like Drones NOW.
On August 5th, a missile materialized out of the Pakistani sky and blew Baitullah Mehsud into itty-bitty terrorist chunks. Mr. Mehsud wasn’t especially well-liked. He was widely vilified by Pakistanis for his messy suicide bombings against civilians. The CIA accused him of masterminding the assassination of former prime minister Benazir Bhutto. There are unconfirmed reports that Mehsud left the...
August 2009
4 posts
4 tags
Rage Rules
I kind of like the Town Hall Criers. The yellers. The screamers. The sobbers. I kinda like them. I don’t want to hang out with them. Or share a park bench with them. Quite frankly, I don’t even want to share a Denny’s with them. But I like them anyway. I like them partly because of my special mandate to accept anger in all forms. And these clowns seem angry. Spittle flies from...
I Am Sorely Displeased With College Sports
I hate college sports. Wait. That’s too harsh. It’s not even quite true. I hate Hitler. But college sports simmers close to the top, right there with Grey’s Anatomy, backward parkers, and wind chimes. College sports sorely displease me. But much in the way that I am sorely displeased with Jessica Simpson – I still sort of want to hang out with her. You know. Because,...
Republicans On The Campaign Trail of Tears
I don’t remember Republicans being so whiny. When Glen Beck started sobbing on TV, I thought it was an anomaly. The GOP is like Conan: It never cries. It smirks, yes. Shrugs in the face of doom. Continues watching cartoons in the wake of despair. But cry and whine, never. And yet, whining has become the key tactic for the Republicans. They didn’t get the man they wanted behind the Big...
3 tags
The country makes the Angry Czeck its bitch
I am standing in the bathroom searching my body for ticks. Ticks and I go way back, back to when I was a kid scouring the woods around my house. Yet, I never got used to their crusty bodies and their unquenchable thirst for blood. When I’d find one attached to my skin, I would claw and scratch at it until the insect was finally dislodged. No calm plucking. Not me. I know how their sinister...
July 2009
7 posts
10 Things the Angry Czeck Says You Need to Know...
The Angry Czeck has a friend who is several months pregnant with her first baby. If she’s anything like me and Mrs. Angry, she and her husband probably bought a lot of expensive books that pretends to prepare people for parenthood. Bah! Says the Angry Czeck. Raising kids isn’t rocket science. If caveman and the French can do it, so can you. Still, a rookie parent could always use tips...
I want more incredible young people with super...
The Angry Czeck remembers Battle of the Planets. I might be the only one. A quick poll around the office revealed that Battle of the Planets, the cartoon that shaped me into the man I am today, hasn’t exactly withstood the test of time. An intern said she remembered “Captain Planet.” One person said he didn’t remember Battle of the Planets, but he did remember Run, Joe,...
The Economy is Obama's Iraq
It happened quick, just like our deployment to Iraq. We bailed-out some unpopular people. We implemented a surge to stimulate change. We attempted to wrestle into line an entity that we do not fully understand, and now we’re all wondering what the hell to do next. The economy is the new Iraq. Detroit is still producing cars nobody wants. AIG is still handing out bonus money like candy....
10 Brief But Penetrating Reasons to Join Facebook
The Angry Czeck’s brief-but-penetrating observations on social media have already taken up too much cyberspace. But I’ve been challenged, and while the Angry Czeck’s official policy is to ignore challenge, I have decided to give this challenge an old community-college try. A loyal reader of The Angry Czeck has challenged me to come up with one compelling reason to open a Facebook...
Obama has only two feet to kick ass with.
Transmission intercepted by an old Soviet satellite re-intercepted by Angry Czeck’s illegal radio dish stationed on the coast of Hawaii. (Voice believed to be) JOE BIDEN: We’re all going to die! (Voice believed to be) BARACK OBAMA: Calm down, Joe. Can’t you see I’m smoking cigarettes? JB: You’re always smoking cigarettes! We have a crisis here! BO: The Healthcare Crisis? JB: No. BO: The...
For Republicans, the party is over. (It was lame...
Republicans, your party is out of control. The keg is foaming. The moochers have devoured the last of the guacamole dip, and the neighbors are one more loud Jars of Clay song from calling the cops on you. And the night started out so good. Remember how easily you put Al Gore in his place? You made him look like a pompous twit! (It helped that he was already a pompous twit, but who noticed?) And...
Prison Is Not Very Nice
I have this book, The Big Book of Crime it’s called. The cover says otherwise, but I swear it’s written by The Count on Sesame Street. Every other sentence is punctuated with an exclamation point. You can almost hear an “ah HA!” after each point is made. However, the author (The Count) makes at least one memorable observation. He states that while crime can be easily absorbed by society, it tends...
June 2009
3 posts
So you can move on now: Angry Czeck Eulogizes...
Michael Jackson died a weirdo. That might have been enough an epitaph were it not for 1983, when Michael Jackson introduced us to a new manner of motion never before imagined for the human body. Today, a moonwalk seems as pedestrian as flipping the channels on a television. Twenty-five years ago, it was like watching David Copperfield make the Statue of Liberty disappear. We rubbed the...
8 tags
Angry Birds and Angry Bees: AC Explains Sex
Like most men, I don’t know much about sex, except I’m reasonably sure where it goes and where it could go. That’s more than enough expertise to yield two kids. But honestly, I think my sons will expect more explanation about sex when the time comes. And they will need an explanation. Right now, I’m sticking with the Weasel Answer: “Why, sex is something that happens between two...
I like guns. Morons, not so much.
Erika Eleniak: “I hate guns.” Steven Segal: (cradling a machine gun) “So do I. So do I.” Under Siege You could tell Steve was lying to get in Erika’s pants. Look at the scene. Look at the way Steve holds the machine gun. That’s love, man. I kinda love guns, too. Most men, at the very least, kinda love guns. How can you own a pair of hairy-balls and not appreciate the destructive power of a...
May 2009
4 posts
Arkansas: No Longer the Delaware of the South
I’m hearing good things about this state of Arkansas. Like Delaware, you kind of forget that Arkansas is a state. When I listen to the radio, I sometimes catch an NPR segment highlighting the Arkansans who made some kind of dent in the nation’s history. I rarely recognize their names, unless it’s Dizzy Dean. And yet, this commonwealth of little more than 2.5 million mostly-rural folk keeps...
Republicans might be funny after all
People always tell me that Republicans and women just aren’t very funny. What? Are you going to tell me Rosanne Barr isn’t funny? She had a hit show! And have you ever watched Reba? Her country-bumkin outlook on life is so true! And have you ever caught The Mommie’s on stage? Those girls have a bit about diapers that just kills! Kelsey Grammar continues to have a Kung-Fu death...
Kiss the Hairy Ass of King Kong 1976
Hey, man, I’m as surprised as you. King Kong is an awesome movie. Not the so-called 1933 classic. Not the bloated effort from Peter Jackson in 2005. I’m talking the groovy, oil crises referencing, 1976 version with the afro-sporting natives and a very-leggy Jessica Lange. It’s the balls. Forty-foot tall gorilla balls with extra hair on ‘em. I’m not going to expect...
Being Looked After by Big Brother™
About a decade ago, state and federal courts upheld The Boy Scouts of America right to deny membership to agnostics, atheists, and homosexuals. I don’t agree with The Boy Scouts. Screw ‘em. You’re bastards. But I do agree with the courts. The BSA is a private organization – romantically American, but private nonetheless. And while I do seriously question the BSA’s right to public funds and access...
April 2009
6 posts
The One & Three Quarter Score Age of the Angry...
You recall that the Angry Czeck recently celebrated his 35th birthday, prompting his friends and co-workers to say, “Gosh, I thought you’d be more accomplished.” Well there, Slick, I’m not allowing the next three and a half decades to transpire without some solid accomplishment stuck in my elastic waistband. Consider this the beginning of the One And Three Quarter Score...
Goodbye Pontiac, friend, teacher, secret lover.
After several years of mowing yards , my brother and I had saved enough dough to buy a car. I remember scouring the classifieds with gusto and relish. I could have been holding an ancient treasure map rather than the latest edition of The Arkansas Democrat/Gazette. The choices were staggering to the teenage mind. Volkswagen Bugs. Detroit muscle cars. Foreign jobs with funny names. Ford Escorts....
Facebook & Twitter have completely destroyed me as...
Online social networking has ruined me. Destroyed me. Kicked me in the pills. Administered to my unconscious body a flying elbow from the top turnbuckle. I am Facebook’s bitch, and Twitter’s fourth favorite ho. Thanks to social networking, I’ve become The Highlander: I know everything. But the price! The terrible, grisly price! Blogging’s not so bad. In fact, blogging is the balls. It’s one-way...
4 tags
Secret Shame: Confessions of a Democrat Jack Bauer...
Many badges-o-shame have crossed my narrow chest. Like the night I shrieked at the sight of a daddy longlegs at Cub Scout camp. Or when I locked my keys in my car twice in one month. Or my brief but penetrating Phil Collins phase. The latest? Becoming a fan of 24’s Jack Bauer. But it’s true. Terribly, horribly true. You got to admire the guy’s grit. Bauer’s like one of those 12-inch rubber...
4 tags
The Angry Czeck's Last Ever Easter Post
Easter reminds me of an old Saturday Night Live skit from the early 1990s: Set in the time of Christ, the pals of Jesus are gathered in secret to toss the Messiah a surprise birthday party. The joke is that everyone is having a hell of a time finding a good gift for Jesus. The guy is Jesus for God’s sake. What do you give Jesus? Finally, an argument breaks out, and everybody is yelling and...
7 tags
The Angry Czeck Makes Mexico His Bitch
My Cuban cigar (if it really was a Cuban cigar) came with a complimentary box of wooden matches, the kind with long stems for extended flame-life. Each match featured a white head, which felt classy to me. I scraped my classy match along the side of the slim matchbox. Swoosh. Fire! I am as giddy as Prometheus. With my could-be Cuban cigar clinched beneath my American teeth, I ventured to introduce...
March 2009
4 posts
And now a very special episode of Angry Czeck
In 1978, my dad was a student enrolled in the St. Louis College of Pharmacy. Mom raised my brother and I while Dad attended classes. At night, Dad sat in a sagging brown easy chair and studied his chemistry books while Mom earned tips as a cocktail waitress at a nightclub. We would have been poor in any economy. But as cliched as it sounds, I had no idea we were broke. But I do recall vague waves...
5 tags
Jim Mulva feels sorry for himself.
Sturgis Hall is made possible by a donation from the Roy and Christine Sturgis Trust. I wonder who Roy and Christine are as I take my seat in what is the atrium of the flagship edifice of the Clinton School of Public Policy. Two columns of metal folding chairs face a podium set against a backdrop featuring the school logo tiled across a vinyl canvass. The growing assemblage waits for tonight’s...
5 tags
Mr. Abortion: The Crappy Dinner Guest
Thanks to The Online University of Wikipedia, the Angry Czeck is now a certified expert in embryonic stem cell research. I earned a virtual degree in less than 20 minutes. Ask me anything. Just don’t preach. Or pontificate. Or become hysterical, because I hate noise and “embryonic stem cells research” tends to have a cacophonous effect on people. It drives otherwise clear-headed people...
4 tags
The Angry Czeck's First Ever Birthday Post
If I had my life to live over, I’d be 70. There’s something manly about turning 35. It’s an age that says, “no more screwing around.” In some ways, literally, because you work to the point of exhaustion and your gut makes it harder to squeeze into the latex body condom. Mozart wrote an opera at the age of 5. About a month ago, I arrived to work with my shirt inside out. Genius is not spread....
February 2009
5 posts
3 tags
Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are slowly becoming...
Just when things were going so good. Six months ago, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton stood on the sidelines completely puzzled and wondering what the hell was going on. Suddenly – or perhaps they were only now just noticing it – nobody wanted to hear from the old crocodiles of the civil rights movement. If it were just the white folk, it’d be all right. Jesse and Al were used to that. But now, not...
2 tags
I'm Sorry, St. James Davis
In the early days of the Angry Czeck, I found myself in an airport terminal sneaking off to a job interview. Like most terminals, the television sets were soundlessly cued to CNN. The leading news story of the day appeared to revolve around a monkey. A chimpanzee to be exact. CNN made such a big deal of these events; one might have thought we were all only weeks away from receiving lobotomies from...
The Separation of Church, Guns and a Rational...
There are some popular arguments that fail to rate the Angry Czeck’s mighty effort. Because the conclusion seems dreadfully obvious. One of these arguments is defending the separation between church and state. The other argument is the one defending the separation of church and guns. But what the hell. On February 11th, the Arkansas House of Representatives approved a bill that would allow people...
3 tags
The Angry Czeck's Last Ever Valentine's Day Post
According to the Angry Czeck’s favorite source of liberal news, NPR, there is a riotous, right-wing faction in India who physically attacks anyone who celebrates Valentine’s Day. I tried to imagine what this might look like: wild-eyed men in turbans punching holes in Ziggy™ greeting cards and burning down movie theaters that are currently showing He’s Just Not That Into You. Can we import those...
4 tags
Tom Hicks Likes Muscles
The Angry Czeck kind of cares about steroids. It pains me a little to say it, like admitting to watching and enjoying Kirsten Dunst’s performance in Bring it On. I want to be of those red-faced sport’s reporters who defends the integrity of the game with shrill screams. Or one of those jaw-jutting columnists who are just too bored to raise an eyebrow. I’d even like to be one of those nuts who...
January 2009
4 posts
When can we start hating Obama? Soon?
I have to admit, the Angry Czeck feels a bit anchorless without former President George W. Bush to kick around. You could always count on George to make a ridiculous administrative appointment, or endorse a juicy anti-Constitutional piece of legislation, or remain frustratingly mute in the face of major crises. George made anger easy. More still, he made Republicans tantalizing can’t-miss targets...
5 tags
In the 1980s, Everybody Solved Crimes But Me
In the Angry Czeck’s award-ignored post, Four Times? Really?, I made a brief but penetrating allusion to Street Hawk, a show that left a vivid imprint upon my memory. To my surprise, I discovered that very few of my peers remembered Street Hawk, the 1980’s rip-off of Knight Rider. When I was but a young and only Mildly Aggravated Czeck, there were only four television stations at my...
The Angry Czeck's 1st Ever MLK Day Post
The Angry Czeck was enrolled in junior high school when the concept of Martin Luther King Day was finally given serious consideration by Congress. The idea created a great deal of conversation among my classmates. At the time, I hadn’t given MLK Day much thought. We are a nation of days. Columbus Day. Lincoln’s Birthday. Earth Day. Secretary’s Day. Pirate Day. Adding King to the calendar seemed...
4 tags
New Years Resolutions. For You.
The Angry Czeck realizes that he’s arriving a little late to the cockfight with a New Year’s Resolutions Post, but I had a damned hard time coming up with suitable changes to make in my life. Should I give up carbs? Read more books? Try a new haircut? Then I realized that it would be far easier for you to change for the Angry Czeck, than for the Angry Czeck to change for you! I’m perfect. You’re...
December 2008
2 posts
6 tags
The Sole of Liberty (And a couple more bad shoe...
It was the Shoe Heard Around the World. The Most Powerful Man on Earth was brought low by the King of Sole. When formally unknown Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi tossed his No. 10 at the President of the United States, he inadvertently validated 43’s most despised act as Leader of the Free World. Freedom has a toehold in Iraq. Yeah, car bombs may pop like bubble wrap all over Baghdad, but I...
Four Times? Really? (4th Annual Year Under Bitter...
The Angry Czeck started 2008 with a kick in the nuts. Only, it wasn’t really a kick, and the nuts belonged to me. Through intimate experience, I discovered that a vasectomy is a stripped-down medical procedure that eschews undervalued qualities like dignity and knockout gas. Instead, I received a “local” (which is a nice way to say “needle in the balls”) and a parade of nurses evaluating my junk....
November 2008
3 posts
Bye George
So long, Mr. Bush. It hasn’t been very fun, or fruitful, but it has been interesting. A sort of cringing, wincing, “aw-crap” kind of interesting that seems to be the motivation behind every Nicolas Cage performance these days. “Should I finish this book? Or lead the nation? Hmmmm.” Like Mr. Bush himself, the Angry Czeck wonders what will be 43’s legacy. There is much on the menu...